Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

This is... this is a piece of work. I wish I had read some goodreads reviews before getting the audiobook, but I don't usually like to do that. I do listen to the buzz surrounding books, and suggestions, but you never know what you're really going to get when you read reviews of it, because there are some books that the goodreads community HATES, but I absolutely adore, and vice versa.

I was first drawn to the half-off book sale on audible.com and I was intrigued by the interesting book title and the blurb. It was also 23 hours long, which, at the time, thought it would be a good way to pass a few days of work.

Boy was I wrong.

This book is absolutely terrible. At first, the reader is lured into the prospect of an exciting book. It's about a woman who is a legacy. Her family come from a long line of Salem witches, but Diana Bishop, however, refused her birthright after the death of her parents. After trial and error, with enormous power that she couldn't control, she abandons it to become a historian. The set up reeks of elitism, because she goes to Harvard, or Yale, and gets her doctorate and becomes a tenured professor... before she's 30, I presume.

The book opens up and she's at Oxford. Yes, for the summer, researching alchemy. I don't particularly care about what part of alchemy she's researching, because no one really "researches" alchemy anymore. However, that's not the part of the book that goes completely south. The set up, no matter how eye roll-y it is, doesn't hold a candle up to the shit show that happens after that.

And I don't mean shit show like it's exciting action. Literally NOTHING happens in this book.

So, she's researching alchemy, and she pulls up this manuscript. The amount of times they mention manuscript in this book is mind boggling, but apparently, since she has all the magic, she finds this special manuscript, which sets off the magic spell that was on it, and alerts all the magical beings. I don't know why all the magical beings wanted this manuscript, and maybe it would have been interesting to me if Harkness hadn't felt the need to concentrate on boring subjects like:

1. Everything Diana Bishop eats
2. Everything Diana Bishop wears
3. Diana's exercise regimen, including a 10 page description of a yoga session
4. How Diana and Matthew both smell at any given time

Now, before, Diana Bishop and the New England backstory was eye roll-y. Visiting Oxford to do research? Eye roll-y. But the appearance of Matthew... what's his last name? Crawford? L'estat? Who knows, but he's a vampire who felt the magic book and ran into Diana. At first, she is bothered by him and ignores him. But like all possessive vampire romance novels, it quickly turns into something cringe-y and repulsive. My blood ran cold as their relationship progresses, and Diana, someone who seems to be a smart, capable, Mary Sue, turns into a drooling toddler who can't think of herself. Some things that Matthew does:

1. Drug her because he thinks she needs to sleep and she doesn't want too
2. Holds her in his arms by her wrists despite her repeatedly telling him, "no" and to "let me go" and "stop it" 
3. They go horseback riding and she momentarily thinks about jumping the fence, and Matthew turns and tells her, "we will be done horseback riding if you had jumped the fence." 
4. Constantly corrects her but also tells her how flipping fantastic she is all the time
5. Stalks her 

At the horseback riding incident in France (yes, they are in France, not sure why), I had to stop this book. I realized a lot this year about the meaning of my time... and life is too short to hate listen to a an audio. At one point, I sped up the audio, and a lot of times, I zoned out to do various work things... and I didn't miss much. When the characters give you goose chills, it's time to stop. 

Don't get this book. It's the worst. 

Hannibal by Thomas Harris

Oh man.... oh man, oh man, oh man....I felt like I was forced to climb Mount Everest.

My husband warned me that this would be a rough book, but I didn't realize just how rough it was. Now, I'm sure my view of the book is distorted because I've seen the movie and watched the show before ever touching the book, so like my review of Red Dragon, I feel like at this point, I'm over it.

Also, sidebar... was Thomas Harris going through something when he wrote this book? I feel like he had a rough marriage, or going through a divorce, or realized he had some kinks going on... because there is some weird shit in here. Maybe he played a joke on us? "What can I get readers to buy?" Because again, there is some weird shit in here.

He writes about topics that didn't fit in with 2001 mentality of "normal" with such a fetish that I squirmed during some parts of the book. It was as if he wrote to just shock people, and instead of just shocking them, left them to question if Harris needs to read a few books or see a few people.

His idea of a "villain" is Mason Verger, who praises Jesus but, gasp! still verbally abuses children. He's rich! He abused his sister, Margot! He wants revenge! He's a pig farmer who bribes politicians to vote against bills that promote animal safety and well being! The other villain in the book, Krendler, is laughably sexist and evil that of course you are rooting for Hannibal to eat him, or Clarice to just flat out kill him.

The character of Margot in the book is... definitely written by someone who didn't bother to do any research, and really just fetishizes the idea of a woman who "wants to be a man" and thought, hey, if I was a woman, I would still want to be a man, so let's just write it like that. Also, what could possibly be the reason that anyone would want to be a lesbian or even want to be something other than the gender they are born it? ABUSE. ALSO WALNUTS.

I was pleasantly surprised with a few scenes between Barney and Margot... until we got to read from Margot's perspective. Turns out, she's just as manipulative as her brother! I had dreams of a funny buddy comedy between the two of them... until she fires him because he didn't want to be an accomplice to a murder. There is also another scene at the end of the book just so Barney can keep his life. ugh, Margot. Maybe you should have died as well? The eel turned on you?

Also, who else thinks that Hannibal Lector is the most uninteresting character ever in Hannibal? I'm not talking show Hannibal, which I think they did a good job of using source material and letting Mads Mikkelson do whatever the hell he wanted, but the character in the book is the biggest Gary Stu. Not only is he not the antagonist, but he's actually portrayed as the hero! Instead of preying on innocent people to eat, he only eats the "rude" and kill people that are after him. See? He's practically doing a service to society! He's refined! He's cultured! Oh, there's mention of his sister being cannibalized, so naturally, you should just feel sorry for him!

Now, finally, the relationship between Clarice and Hannibal. Harris, Silence of the Lambs was great. Why did you have to ruin it? How did Clarice take a 180? Did you read some fanfiction and decided, 'wow, that's a great idea, let's put Clarice and Hannibal together!' Because it wasn't.

Seriously, I wonder how many other authors and books were passed up in order for this one to be printed. Who's the agent for Thomas Harris? That person should be fired. Someone either didn't tell Harris No, or someone got the bright idea to make Hannibal into a main character. Not only that, Harris didn't bother to do any sort of research whatsoever in what makes a sociopath, a sociopath and what makes a cannibal into a cannibal. He legit made it all up. This is bad and you should feel bad.

Wish me luck on the final installment of Hannibal Rising.