Despite all of this, I'm relieved to not be at my prior school anymore. Every Sunday for the past 2 years, I would have so much anxiety and my stomach would cramp up thinking about the week ahead of me. I started therapy my third year into it, and even if I didn't work out the rest of the week, I worked out on Sunday so I could get some sleep.
Work piled on me. They backed me in a corner to be testing coordinator, and on top of the pain that was special education, the people I worked with in my department were also not easy to get along with. I also wanted to teach, and I was given 9th grade English last year. I did ask to teach it, because I had be out of the classroom for 2 years, and I felt my skills melting away. Even though I am certified to teach English, and I love to read, it wasn't what I went to school for. I was given no support and at the end of all of it, I was given a developing on a job that I volunteered to do and didn't reflect everything else I did for that school.
It seemed like since I was competent and seemed I had a good head on my shoulders, everyone looked to me to do things that wouldn't get done. How could anyone sustain that? I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.
The point of this post isn't to slam my prior school, though I hate to say that my feelings of my past school has tinted how I'm feeling about this school year, despite everything being new. I'm still having anxiety and last night, I tossed and turned thinking about things that are due by September. I'm anxious about the team I'm working with, my students and my unit plans. I want everything to go well.
I also can't shake this feeling that I won't be a teacher forever, and despite trying to think positively (I'm teaching the grades I want to teach, the content I want to teach, in a nice, new school), I'm looking around for other opportunities. I'm not sure if it's because my past school practically gave me PTSD and it seemed like for all of my hard work I got a poke in the eye and I don't want to relive the same experiences again this year.
School starts for Baltimore City next Monday, August 31st. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I have so much to do before then and I want this year to go well. I want to like teaching. I put a lot of time and money into becoming a teacher. Though it is OK to switch careers, it would be nice to not have to do that.
